Nicole Rogers, an American author, announcer, and relationship coach, shares her story of a 15-year marriage that fell apart when her husband told her that he didn’t love her anymore. Despite trying to save the marriage through therapy, convincing his family and friends to intercede on her behalf, and even calling off his lover and the man with whom she had an affair, nothing seemed to work.
In a final attempt to save the marriage, Rogers went to a therapist who helped her understand the feeling of exhaustion she had been experiencing for years in her marriage. The therapist named this feeling “passivity is action” and explained that it was important to recognize when someone is saying “no” to what we want. This realization led Rogers to focus on finding a partner who would say “yes” to her dreams of having a family and building a loving partnership.
Rogers began dating after the divorce and paid close attention to how she felt in her body around potential partners. She learned that unavailability was tense and exhausting while availability was open and relaxed. Her body sent signals about these feelings of availability and unavailability throughout her marriage and even after it ended. By understanding these sensations, Rogers was able to find love with a blue-eyed man who shared her vision of creating a family together.
As she looks back on her journey, Rogers asks if feelings of tension and exhaustion may actually be “holy incentives” leading us towards love. She believes that our bodies communicate our true desires and needs, even when we may not always listen or understand them ourselves.